Unconditional Love
During some ‘hide and seek’ sessions of silent reflections, I often grapple with the concept of ‘unconditional love’. I term these sessions ‘hide and seek’ because while I try to ‘seek’ an answer to one thing; I realize that I must answer other hidden questions before I can address what I was seeking.
The Wikipedia defines unconditional love as “To love someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs”. My dilemma is trying to figure out whether I am capable of giving such love.
Do I love my children unconditionally, do I love my spouse unconditionally, do I love any of my friends unconditionally or do I even love myself unconditionally? More often that not, my answer to all of the above is a hesitant, “Umm, not always.”
Let me start with myself. There are occasions when I hate myself for not being more of a go-getter, my impatience with my immediate family, my inability to continue with lengthy debates, my innate resistance towards learning to drive a stick-shift, etc. So am I completely happy with or in love with the person I am? The crucial word here is ‘completely’. No, I am not completely happy with who I am, though for a huge majority I am happy with who I am. Therefore, don’t I love myself conditionally?
Loving one’s child unconditionally is said to be the foundation of parenting. I must love my child for who he/she is, not for what he/she does. At a very high level I can understand this. Irrespective of what my children do, I shall always love them. My heart will always care for them and they will always be a part of my prayers. However, there are times when the children do not fulfill responsibilities repeatedly, or fail to understand the importance of what they are being guided towards; that I do find myself reluctant to give them a loving hug. Do I consider this non-display of affection a motivation for my child to change? I don’t know. The love at that time is perhaps like a wave in the ocean that is in a trough formation.
A certain set of traits made me fall in love with my spouse and made me desirous of going through life’s journey alongside him. So falling in love with a person implies falling in love with a personality and a set of physical attributes. Therefore I comprise of a ‘personality’ and ‘physical attributes’. Now, would ‘unconditional love’ mean that irrespective of any changes in the above two factors, my spouse would always love me? How can one love a person for who he/she is and not his/her behavior; when it is the behavior/personality that makes an individual who he/she is?
I got a small insight into this question a couple of days ago. I was telling my daughter that it is ok for her not to be serious about her studies as long as it is ok with her to have a career accordingly. She would have to give up her dream of becoming a doctor and be content with flipping burgers at a fast-food place. She thought about it, looked at me and said, “Mom, if I can be happy flipping burgers then it should not matter whether I become a doctor or not”. I was stumped.
I realized that to a large extent ‘unconditional happiness’ is the basis of ‘unconditional love’. If I take a vow to be happy at all times, I will automatically start on a path towards unconditional love. I will learn to celebrate every moment, every incident and every person in my life.
Any other insights, anyone?
The Wikipedia defines unconditional love as “To love someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs”. My dilemma is trying to figure out whether I am capable of giving such love.
Do I love my children unconditionally, do I love my spouse unconditionally, do I love any of my friends unconditionally or do I even love myself unconditionally? More often that not, my answer to all of the above is a hesitant, “Umm, not always.”
Let me start with myself. There are occasions when I hate myself for not being more of a go-getter, my impatience with my immediate family, my inability to continue with lengthy debates, my innate resistance towards learning to drive a stick-shift, etc. So am I completely happy with or in love with the person I am? The crucial word here is ‘completely’. No, I am not completely happy with who I am, though for a huge majority I am happy with who I am. Therefore, don’t I love myself conditionally?
Loving one’s child unconditionally is said to be the foundation of parenting. I must love my child for who he/she is, not for what he/she does. At a very high level I can understand this. Irrespective of what my children do, I shall always love them. My heart will always care for them and they will always be a part of my prayers. However, there are times when the children do not fulfill responsibilities repeatedly, or fail to understand the importance of what they are being guided towards; that I do find myself reluctant to give them a loving hug. Do I consider this non-display of affection a motivation for my child to change? I don’t know. The love at that time is perhaps like a wave in the ocean that is in a trough formation.
A certain set of traits made me fall in love with my spouse and made me desirous of going through life’s journey alongside him. So falling in love with a person implies falling in love with a personality and a set of physical attributes. Therefore I comprise of a ‘personality’ and ‘physical attributes’. Now, would ‘unconditional love’ mean that irrespective of any changes in the above two factors, my spouse would always love me? How can one love a person for who he/she is and not his/her behavior; when it is the behavior/personality that makes an individual who he/she is?
I got a small insight into this question a couple of days ago. I was telling my daughter that it is ok for her not to be serious about her studies as long as it is ok with her to have a career accordingly. She would have to give up her dream of becoming a doctor and be content with flipping burgers at a fast-food place. She thought about it, looked at me and said, “Mom, if I can be happy flipping burgers then it should not matter whether I become a doctor or not”. I was stumped.
I realized that to a large extent ‘unconditional happiness’ is the basis of ‘unconditional love’. If I take a vow to be happy at all times, I will automatically start on a path towards unconditional love. I will learn to celebrate every moment, every incident and every person in my life.
Any other insights, anyone?
posted by Anu at
1:51 PM
6 Comments:
u r right,unconditional love is the basis of any healthy relationship but u 'll always come across things u don't like about the other person ,how u deal with this sets u apart and makes the relationship work. uma
i think unconditional love comes easier to women than to men. genetic wiring i guess :-)
daniella
As women, we do react to things but that does not mean that we love our children any less.
Unconditional happiness- that's profound, but a lofty goal to attain. I can take a vow to be happy at all times, but the 'sadhana' to get there is missing. Radhika
Yes, unconditional happiness does sound like a lofty goal. Still small reminders of this goal help me gently pull my thoughts from the negative and turn back to loving the person.
Of course this doesn't happen always, but it is a start. Happy loving! Anu
The purest unconditional love is that of a parent.
In all other relationships this kind of love is a utopian dream.
bob
Drawing inspiration from "Love thy neighbor...", I'd say:
Love other’s child like thou would thy own and thy own like thou would other’s.
It appears to make sense (philosophically) if we agree that the root cause of all evil is selfishness – my child, my country, my money, ... all our actions stem from nurturing ‘our’ possessions; which feeds greed, conflicts, jealousy, falsehood, ...?
But in our attempt to make this world a better place, is it even humanly possible to give ‘unconditional love’ to someone else's child? Or perhaps love our own child just as we would someone else's? Or at least get close?
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