Decluttering My Mind

During the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to simplify my life and my emotions.   I still have a long way to go however; I have had some interesting one-on-one conversations with myself.   Thank God, I am by myself during a large part of the day otherwise; I would make quite a comic character with various expressions darting across my face at random intervals.   Thus far, these conversations have revealed the need to declutter my mind.

This seems to be quite a B2B exercise.   No, not the usual business to business, but the back to basics.   Here are my findings so far.

Attendance- Remember the morning attendance in elementary school.   Amidst the flying paper balls, squeaking chalks, chairs scratching the floor and cough attacks; we made sure the teacher heard our ‘Present Mam, Yes Mam, Here Sir’.   Not being present meant having to get a note from parents the next day- and who on earth would want to explain that to parents! Well, I think, I forgot this attendance lesson once out of school.   I need to learn to ‘be present’ in ‘now’.   I need to get out of the habit of being absent- bunking the present to take a hike into the past or the future.   Now is what is central!

Attention- I can still hear the shrill cracking voice of my Maths teacher, repeatedly repeating, “Girls, complete attention, focus, concentrate.  ” Later on, the corporate world taught me the significance of multi-tasking and I took pride in my multi-mindedness.   Single-mindedness was deemed so regressive.   Well, the unlearning needs to surface again.   I have to unlearn the alleged asset of the corporate sector, and go back to the childhood basics.   One action at a time, one thought at a time, one goal at a time.   It works wonders to declutter the mind and create space for the important.

Lists- Any childhood memories of taking a crisp white sheet of paper, undoing the lid of a pen with flourish and then writing a to-do list with complete deliberation? Next, holding the sheet aloft and admiring it- polish school shoes, sharpen pencils, fill ink in pens, set school backpack, go out and play.   These lists fed my narcissism- I felt important since I had so much to do! Now, I realize such lists will be my savior.   I need to write these lists (to shop, to read, to watch, to do with children), banish them from my mind and address the issues only when it is their time (at the store, library, movie rental place, free time with children).   Otherwise these never ending to-do interruptions continue to pop as Jack-in-the-boxes in my mind and interrupt my attempts at single-mindedness.

Will keep adding, suggestions welcome.

Unconditional Love

During some ‘hide and seek’ sessions of silent reflections, I often grapple with the concept of ‘unconditional love’.   I term these sessions ‘hide and seek’ because while I try to ‘seek’ an answer to one thing; I realize that I must answer other hidden questions before I can address what I was seeking.

The Wikipedia defines unconditional love as “To love someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs”.   My dilemma is trying to figure out whether I am capable of giving such love.

Do I love my children unconditionally, do I love my spouse unconditionally, do I love any of my friends unconditionally or do I even love myself unconditionally?   More often that not, my answer to all of the above is a hesitant, “Umm, not always.”

Let me start with myself.   There are occasions when I hate myself for not being more of a go-getter, my impatience with my immediate family, my inability to continue with lengthy debates, my innate resistance towards learning to drive a stick-shift, etc.   So am I completely happy with or in love with the person I am?   The crucial word here is ‘completely’.   No, I am not completely happy with who I am, though for a huge majority I am happy with who I am.   Therefore, don’t I love myself conditionally?

Loving one’s child unconditionally is said to be the foundation of parenting.   I must love my child for who he/she is, not for what he/she does.   At a very high level I can understand this.   Irrespective of what my children do, I shall always love them.   My heart will always care for them and they will always be a part of my prayers.   However, there are times when the children do not fulfill responsibilities repeatedly, or fail to understand the importance of what they are being guided towards; that I do find myself reluctant to give them a loving hug.   Do I consider this non-display of affection a motivation for my child to change?   I don’t know.   The love at that time is perhaps like a wave in the ocean that is in a trough formation.

A certain set of traits made me fall in love with my spouse and made me desirous of going through life’s journey alongside him.   So falling in love with a person implies falling in love with a personality and a set of physical attributes.   Therefore I comprise of a ‘personality’ and ‘physical attributes’.   Now, would ‘unconditional love’ mean that irrespective of any changes in the above two factors, my spouse would always love me?   How can one love a person for who he/she is and not his/her behavior; when it is the behavior/personality that makes an individual who he/she is?

I got a small insight into this question a couple of days ago.   I was telling my daughter that it is ok for her not to be serious about her studies as long as it is ok with her to have a career accordingly.   She would have to give up her dream of becoming a doctor and be content with flipping burgers at a fast-food place.   She thought about it, looked at me and said, “Mom, if I can be happy flipping burgers then it should not matter whether I become a doctor or not”.   I was stumped.

I realized that to a large extent ‘unconditional happiness’ is the basis of ‘unconditional love’.   If I take a vow to be happy at all times, I will automatically start on a path towards unconditional love.   I will learn to celebrate every moment, every incident and every person in my life.

Any other insights, anyone?