If only I could hear, what I deem as meant for me, nothing less, and nothing more!

Have you ever wished for the ability to close your eyes and in effect close your ears as well? The ability to stop the constant cacophony, to hit the mute button on all electronic devices, to zip the lips of people around you, to soundproof your tympanic membrane . . .

My recent round trip from Bangalore to Dehradun left me wanting to move to a city where sign-language was the law.   The ordeal started with the 6 am airport bus.   The radio blared songs.   These were interspersed with a very peppy DJ ensuring that the listeners were paying attention and with advertisements of sexy wardrobes capable of changing my life, apartments that could make my home heavenly, grocery store prices that could double my purchasing power.   Wow! What else could one ask for?

Well, the two fellow travelers behind me ensured that the 1 hour trip thoroughly enlightened me on the architecture of their under-construction houses, how the grills would be hidden to show off the floor to ceiling windows, the balcony door would have a metal plate sandwiched between the wood, the roof-top garden would be waterproofed, the drop down ladder from the attic could be widened so their wives could access the attic as well, etc, etc.  

The cell phone of my vivacious neighbor to the left had a ring tone of a child wailing on the top of his lungs.   I am sure she could win a popularity contest hands-down because her phone rang every 1-2 minutes.   Of course, there were at least 7-8 other cell phones with distinct ring tones ringing melodiously at various intervals as well.   The gentleman in front of me was ragging a junior at this unearthly hour; telling him how to handle the next client to clinch the contract.   I had selected a seat right under the TV screen thinking that I would be able to see straight out the front window of the bus without an onslaught from the movie that was playing.   I forgot out of sight does not mean out of ears as well.  

What amazed me was the ability of my ears to decipher each and every sound byte and feel the assimilated information pounding in my head.   Would technology ever advance to a stage where two conversing people would do so at a wave length privy just to them? Where my cell phone ring would be heard by no one but me? Where I could tune in or tune out of the radios dispensing information to the public? Where separations in the acoustic spectrum would ensure that one person’s music does not become another person’s noise?

I turned to my co passenger- my daughter, to share my marvelous vision of the future.   My voice at varying decibels had no auditory impact on her.   With her eyes closed, she certainly was tuned out, at peace, at rest, enjoying.   I decided not to intrude upon her reverie.   To make my wait for science’s leap towards noise-free living less inaudible, I realized, I just needed to follow my daughter’s route- purchase a set of head-phones and use them. Except that I would do so without a MP3 attached to the other end.

Decluttering My Mind

During the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to simplify my life and my emotions.   I still have a long way to go however; I have had some interesting one-on-one conversations with myself.   Thank God, I am by myself during a large part of the day otherwise; I would make quite a comic character with various expressions darting across my face at random intervals.   Thus far, these conversations have revealed the need to declutter my mind.

This seems to be quite a B2B exercise.   No, not the usual business to business, but the back to basics.   Here are my findings so far.

Attendance- Remember the morning attendance in elementary school.   Amidst the flying paper balls, squeaking chalks, chairs scratching the floor and cough attacks; we made sure the teacher heard our ‘Present Mam, Yes Mam, Here Sir’.   Not being present meant having to get a note from parents the next day- and who on earth would want to explain that to parents! Well, I think, I forgot this attendance lesson once out of school.   I need to learn to ‘be present’ in ‘now’.   I need to get out of the habit of being absent- bunking the present to take a hike into the past or the future.   Now is what is central!

Attention- I can still hear the shrill cracking voice of my Maths teacher, repeatedly repeating, “Girls, complete attention, focus, concentrate.  ” Later on, the corporate world taught me the significance of multi-tasking and I took pride in my multi-mindedness.   Single-mindedness was deemed so regressive.   Well, the unlearning needs to surface again.   I have to unlearn the alleged asset of the corporate sector, and go back to the childhood basics.   One action at a time, one thought at a time, one goal at a time.   It works wonders to declutter the mind and create space for the important.

Lists- Any childhood memories of taking a crisp white sheet of paper, undoing the lid of a pen with flourish and then writing a to-do list with complete deliberation? Next, holding the sheet aloft and admiring it- polish school shoes, sharpen pencils, fill ink in pens, set school backpack, go out and play.   These lists fed my narcissism- I felt important since I had so much to do! Now, I realize such lists will be my savior.   I need to write these lists (to shop, to read, to watch, to do with children), banish them from my mind and address the issues only when it is their time (at the store, library, movie rental place, free time with children).   Otherwise these never ending to-do interruptions continue to pop as Jack-in-the-boxes in my mind and interrupt my attempts at single-mindedness.

Will keep adding, suggestions welcome.

A Soothing Balm

“Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The past 3 weeks, to a large extent have been about me, my, and I.   With the husband, son and mother-in-law gone to US; my daughter and I form our twosome family in Bangalore.   Meera is at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and during this time I am my sole companion.   I don’t remember ever having so much uninterrupted time just to myself.

In the beginning, I was really not looking forward to this solitude.   I feared boredom, restlessness, pensiveness and sheer loneliness.   I was emotionally strung about my son’s going to UC Berkeley because I felt he had grown-up too quickly.

In reality these days have been a one of a kind sojourn.   Solitude stills the mind.   Stillness clears it.   My mind refuses to entertain a hide and seek game with my thoughts anymore. It disallows me to tell myself, “Oh! I don’t have the time for this right now”.   It takes the restlessness out of the system and coaxes one to bring to forefront the questions, issues, thoughts that had been lurking in various corners of the mind.   I deal with them one at a time, at my own pace, with my own logic, without any defenses, and revel in the cathartic experience.

Many a times I do not speak for 7 or more hours and even such short periods give me a new appreciation of ‘Vipassana’ and ‘maun vrat’ (a vow of silence).   It seems as if I literally see time pass by; I am here yet, I am not here.   Well, I could also say, “There is no distraction, therefore I am completely here”.   :-)

I have not been able to resolve all those lurking issues that fed my restiveness.   However after having faced them calmly, I am more comfortable accepting them in whatever unsettled stage they are.   Solitude has brought rest to the restlessness.

Needless to say, I still look forward to 3:30 pm when my chirpy daughter is back from school.   She fills me in about her day at a speed that makes up for the silence in my life.   Having enjoyed the calm earlier, I thoroughly relish the excitement that she brings home.

Gotta Make My Own Bliss

The beautiful bungalow we have rented on the outskirts of Bangalore has breathtaking views and a sloped terracotta tile roof all over.   Inside, a ceiling with wooden beams shows off these earthen tiles, offsetting the cream colored walls with red oxide cement floors.   These tiles are a true example of beauty and practicality being unable to function hand in hand.   For the last couple of weeks, each evening has been spent positioning garbage cans and buckets all over the house to capture the rain water dripping from the ceiling.

This morning I was walking through the house with my neck craned up, trying to spot the leaky tiles.   I was irritated at the ‘sealant guy’ who has supposedly sealed these tiles a number of times.   It was beginning to dawn upon me that this was another one of those things that I would have to learn to live with- dodging the buckets and garbage cans when I get up to check on my daughter at night.   The incessant rains of the last few days had not helped perk-up me up and this certainly was not my idea of rain-water harvesting.



I walked about with a sore neck and a doubly sore mood, when unexpectedly I was enveloped in warm light.   I relaxed the corners of my squinted eyes and continued standing under the large sky-light in the foyer.   Psychedelic yellow, orange and red swirls filled up my blind vision.   They were beautiful in their own blurry manner; continually changing in color, pattern and intensity.   I was so overcome by the visuals and the warmth that I failed to think about the leaking tiles.   I knew they still existed in the background but taking pleasure in the peace that surrounded me seemed much more vital.

Those couple of minutes of composure were enough to ebb away my frustration at the rains, the leaks, the tiles, the buckets and the incessant dripping sounds through the night.   The warmth of the sun rays tenderly reminded me that inherently my bliss is there to find, it depends on what I choose to focus on.